No matter the setting, these 50 hilarious, unsavory jokes are never entirely appropriate. But if you’re bold enough to deliver a punchline, you deserve the laughs it’ll earn you.
1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
5. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
6. What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
7. What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
8. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
9. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
10. What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds?
There are twenty of them.
11. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
12. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
13. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?
A zit will wait until you’re twelve before it comes on your face.
14. What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
15. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
16. What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
17. How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.
18. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
19. Why do vegetarians give good head?
Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
20. What’s long and hard and full of semen?
21. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
22. Why do walruses love a tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
23. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
24. Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
25. What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
26. What did the penis say to the vagina?
Don’t make me come in there!
27. What do a woman and a bar have in common?
Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
28. What’s another name for a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
29. What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
30. What do you call two jalapeños getting it on?
31. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
32. What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
33. How is life like a penis?
Your girlfriend makes it hard.
34. Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.
35. What do you call a guy with a small dick?
36. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?
37. What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
38. What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
39. Know what a 6.9 is?
Another good thing screwed up by a period.
40. How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
41. What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
42. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
43. What did the O say to the Q?
Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
44. What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
45. What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
46. What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
47. How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
48. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
49. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
50. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
Funny Adult Jokes – 90 Rude Jokes to make you howl with laughter
We all love a good laugh, no matter the occasion. As we get old, we start to find the “clean jokes” less funny as we begin to take on a much more adult humour therefore, we begin to prefer funny adult jokes.
We’re not saying you should drop the childish jokes, because we find them absolutely hilarious as well. But as you get older, the adult funny jokes may be the more appropriate and enjoyable option.
The rude jokes we cover in this article:
If you are a bit innocent, then you may not know what is to be expected from an adult joke. Expect sexual jokes and offensive humour. Although we will leave the more disgusting and horrible humour to the darker places of the web…
We prefer things much more cheerful and upbeat!
Our best rude jokes can be used in a number of situations and we think they could work perfectly inside a greeting card, a casual joke to your friend or you could even risk it and use some as pickup lines – so, we will let you decide!
As we enter our huge list of funny adult jokes, we would like to warn you of rude language and a lot of sexual innuendos…
Let’s start off with the short rude jokes, shall we?
Short Adult Jokes
- Q. Why are men like diapers? A. They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
- Q. What did one butt cheek say to the other? A. Together, we can stop this shit.
- Q. What kind of Bees produce milk? A. Boobees
- Q. What did the penis say to the condom? A. Cover me, I’m going in
- Q. What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft? A. Chewing gum
- Q. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? A. Melt them into a tire and call it a .
- Q. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? A. Thanks for coming!
- Q. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
- Q. How is a boyfriend/girlfriend like a laxative? A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
- Q. What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? A. Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
- Q. What did the penis say to the vagina? A. Don’t make me come in there!
- Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A. Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
- Q. I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s/he’s been with. A. She/he said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”
- Q. Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. A. Thank you all for coming.
- Q. They say sex is the best… A. Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
- Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest kids? A. Ask your mum!
- Q. Whats 72? A. 69 with three people watching.
- Q. How is sex like air? A. It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
- Q. What do tofu and a dildo in common? A. They are both meat substitutes.
- Q. What comes after 69? A. mouthwash.
- Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead? A. The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
- Q. How do you make a pool table laugh? A. Tickle its balls.
- Q. What does a perverted frog say? A.
- Q. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A. I want you inside me!
- Q. What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? A. I want you inside me!
- Q. What do you call an expert fisherman? A. A Master Baiter
- Q. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A. Beat it. We’re closed.
- Q. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? A. He only comes once a year.
- Q. What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? A. Lettuce alone without dressing.
- Q. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A. To get to the bottom
What do you think of those short rude jokes?
Obviously rude jokes come in all shapes and sizes and we have plenty more to show you… Next up, rude chat up lines…
Sexual innuendos are perfect to randomly say in day to day life or to use as a chat up line but we suggest you be careful with how these are used with people you aren’t too close with. You don’t want to be called the “Office perv” or anything do you?
So please, don’t use these to be weird with people. Use these sexual jokes to make your friends laugh!
So, let’s dive in!
Rude Sexual Jokes
- Is your name Tanya? Cuz I’m gonna tan ya ass.
- Are you a termite? Cause you’re about to have a mouth full of wood.
- I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
- I may not go down in history, but I’ll go down on you.
- Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70
- Let’s play carpenter. First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
- If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
- Are you my new boss? Because you just gave me a raise.
- I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
- Do you need a stud in your life? Cause I got the STD and all I need is U.
We’ve updated this list of sexual jokes. 10 just simply isn’t enough, here are 20 more rude sexual pick up lines that you could use in person or via dating apps.
Sexual pick up lines
- Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.
- Let’s play carpenter. First we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you.
- I lost my keys… Can I check your underwear?
- Are you an archaeologist? Because I’ve got a bone for you to examine.
- I’m not usually into hunting, but I’d love to catch you and mount you all over my house.
- I’m no weatherman but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
- Baby, I last longer than a white crayon.
- (Use index finger to call someone over and then say) I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
- Do you work at Build-A-Bear? Because I’d stuff you.
- Do you smoke pot? Because weed be cute together.
- Hello, I’m bisexual. I’d like to BUY you a drink… and then get sexual.
- Do you want to spice up my sex life?
- Your face reminds me of a wrench; every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
- You must be a doctor! You just cured my erectile dysfunction.#
- Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
- Do you want to come to my time machine? We stop somewhere between ’68 and ’70.
- Do you know your ABCs? ‘Cause I wanna give you the fourth letter of the alphabet.
- I’ll be Burger King and you be McDonald’s. I’ll have it my way and you’ll be lovin’ it.
- We should play strip poker. You can strip and I’ll poke you.
- Do you like jalapeños? Because in no time I’ll be jalapeño pussy.
Although adult jokes are meant for well, adults… We all love a knock knock joke don’t we? No matter the age… Immature yet rude. There is no better mix to get someone giggling…
Rude Knock-Knock JokesKnock, Knock!
Howie gonna hide this dead body? Knock Knock!
May I come in?
May I come in who?
May I come in you!Knock Knock!
Ivana fuck your brains out.Knock Knock!
Ben Dover and I’ll give you a big surprise!Knock Knock
Iguana touch your buttcrack!Knock knock!
Phil McCrackinKnock Knock!
Camel toe… do you have any pants I can borrow?Knock Knock!
Some dickhead talking to a knock knock joke.Knock, Knock.
Some bitch telling you a fucking knock, knock joke!Knock Knock! Who's There? Asshole! Asshole who? Open the door and find out asshole!
Very Offensive Jokes
We left these offensive jokes until last as these are quite easily our most vulgar out of the bunch. This selection is strictly 18+, and even then, it might be too much for you. Although, because of this, we will not dive into an area of edgy jokes as they tend to cross the line and become highly abusive. Instead, we have this selection which highly some offensive jokes which site just before that line.
- Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex. – They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch.
- Someone asked the other day how you spell “scrotum”, I replied ” you should have asked me last night as it was on the tip of my tongue”
- What does tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes
- What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A penis
- What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students? A PDF file
- How is virginity like a soap bubble? One prick and it’s gone
- How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before you start eating.
- How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
- What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick
- I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Therefore, to end off our blog on funny adult jokes and give you some of the funniest rude insults you have never heard of before just carry on reading.
These insults could be used on anyone you would like to insult in a brand-new way and who knows it might even get them giggling…?
P.S. we do not support using these in mean or vulgar ways because we don’t want to hurt peoples feeling, so please use them in a jokey way!
- Bespawler – Old English word for someone who spits while they talk.
- Bobolyne – Old English word for fool
- Mumpsimus – A stubborn person who in spite of being shown it is wrong.
- Dingbat – A stupid person
- Bonehead – A stupid person
However, if those are a bit too unique for you don’t worry because you could always just turn back to the ruder insults.
This list could go on but we are sure you know all of these already!
You can find the full list of old English insults at mentalfloss.
All these funny adult jokes and offensive insults would be perfect to stick inside a rude greeting card because they are just words at the end of the day, don’t you think?
The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell to Your Kids
Truth be told, some of the best jokes are dirty jokes. But can you tell dirty jokes to kids? That depends somewhat on your definition of a dirty joke. It should go without saying that the best dirty jokes for kids aren’t connected to things that are actually raunchy. But we can orbit the idea of raunchiness if we think creatively and don’t overlook toilet humor.
The human taste for crude humor starts very early, and that’s true of good jokes for kids too. Even children can identify the hilarious incongruence between the veil of civilization and the reality of what happens inside of bathrooms and bedrooms. Potty humor is timeless and universal. Hearing and telling dirty jokes is good for us, and the best jokes let us laugh at and talk about what might otherwise stay hidden. A good toilet joke points to life’s juxtapositions and says, “Yes. This is absurd. It’s okay to feel that way and it’s best just to laugh at it.”
As long as you draw clear lines for your children about when it is and is not appropriate to tell dirty jokes, somewhat clean dirty jokes are fine for kids too. Where you draw the line on dirty dad jokes will depend on how many awkward conversations you’re willing to have should your kid fire off a poop joke at an inappropriate time. With that in mind, consider these great dirty jokes — they’re naughty (but not too naughty) contain plenty of toilet humor, and are funny to both adults and children. Use them at your own discretion.
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Fart Jokes for Kids
- I farted at work the other day… and my coworker started trying to open the window. It must have been a really bad one — we work on a submarine.
- What did the poo say to the fart?
You blow me away.
- I was at a sophisticated dinner party the other day… when I farted loudly. One of the guests was appalled and said indignantly, “How dare you fart in front of my wife!” I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was her turn next.”
- An old married couple are in church one Sunday… when the woman turns to her husband and says, “I’ve just let out a really long, silent fart. What should I do?”
- Who are the most dangerous farters in the world?
Ninjas. They’re silent but deadly.
- Did you fart?
No, that was my butt blowing you a kiss.
- What’s invisible and smells like worms?
A bird’s fart.
- What do you get when a duchess farts?
A noble gas.
- Did you hear about the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.
- Why did the fart miss graduation?
It got expelled.
- What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
Poop Jokes for Kids
- Why did the baker have smelly hands?
Because he kneaded a poo!
- What’s brown and sticky?
- Why did the cop sit on the toilet?
To do his duty.
- Why didn’t the toilet paper make it past the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
- What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together we can stop this crap.
- Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.
- Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
To look for Pooh!
- What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed!
- How do you help a constipated person?
You scare the poop out of them.
- What did one fly say to the other?
Is this stool taken?
- What’s big and brown and behind the wall?
- Knock, knock.
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?! Gross!
- Did you hear about the film “Constipated”?
It never came out.
- What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
Pee Jokes for Kids
- What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got peed-off.
- If you’re American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?
- Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!
- What do you call a country where everyone is pissed?
- Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the “p” is silent.
- This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off… After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to pee.
- What did Sherif Pee say to the bank robber?
Booger Jokes for Kids
- What comes out of your nose at 150 mph?
- How do you stop your nose from running?
Take away its shoes.
- What did the booger say to the underside of the desk?
“I’m stuck on you.”
- What did the booger write in its Valentine’s Day card?
“I’d pick you first.”
- What do you call a booger on a diet?
- What’s a snot rocket’s favorite restaurant?
Weiner Jokes for Kids
- What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through that thing?”
- A pirate walks into the doctor’s office:
Pirate: Doc, you got to help, me ship’s steering wheel got stuck to me crotch.
Doctor: So, what’s the problem?
Pirate: Doc… it’s driving me nuts!
- How does a wiener thank its parents?
“Franks a lot!”
- How does a wiener go camping?
In a Wiener-bago.
- Why was the banana sad after its race?
It lost to the eventual wiener.
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68 Adult Dirty Jokes So Racy You'll Want to Cover Your Eyes
There are two types of people in the world: Those who love dirty jokes and those who say they don't but are lying. Don't worry about apologizing for your raunchy sense of humor here. There's no shame in laughing at an R-rated joke or sharing it with your friends. As it happens, some of the most beautifully crafted, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes are adult dirty jokes. So read on for the filthiest, funniest gags we've ever heard. And for more jokes that are only fit for grownups, check out 75 Dark Jokes for Those Who Need a Twisted Laugh.
Funny Dirty Jokes
- What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? "I want you inside me."
- "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.
- Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
- They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
- I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.
- Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.
- What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
- "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
- A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
- How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.
- If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
- A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.
- Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
- Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
- An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
- Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
- What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
- What do you do when your cat's dead? Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.
- How is life like toilet paper? You're either on a roll or taking s*** from someone.
- What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
- What is Moby Dick's dad's name? Papa Boner.
- What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!
- What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off!
- What did the leper say to the sex worker? Keep the tip.
- What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam!
- What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
- What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit The Frog's fingers!
- What do you get when you jingle Santa's balls? A white Christmas!
- Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!
- A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
- What did one butt cheek say to the other? Together, we can stop this crap.
- A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
- What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato? A dictator!
- How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don't need a partner.
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Best Dirty Jokes
- My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.
- What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
- How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.
- "I'd rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth," the woman told her dentist. He replied, "Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
- Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep its nuts dry.
- What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
- Why can't you hear rabbits making love? Because they have cotton balls.
- If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
- What comes after 69? Mouthwash.
- What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
- Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough.–Pluto
- What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
- A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."
- What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
- How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
- Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died!
- What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you stick the cucumber.
- Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
- What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? Gum!
- What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
- What are the three shortest words in the English language? "Is it in?"
- How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
- What's the difference between your penis and a bonus check? Someone's always willing to blow your bonus.
- What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste!
- What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
- A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect." "Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
- What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts."
- What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
- What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!
- Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't stop to ask directions.
- How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
- What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? "Thanks for coming!"
- What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
- What's long and hard and full of semen? A submarine!
2020 dirty jokes
100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp
What’s better than a hilarious joke? A hilarious joke that’s filled with smut and innuendo, of course. And have we got some great dirty jokes for you.
From naughty gags about sex, to close-to-the-knuckle toilet humour, look no further.
So strap yourself in, and try not to tell these filthy gags at any formal engagements…
(It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour)
Some fruity lines from rude comedians:
“I didn’t have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. And that was cos I’d no small change for the window cleaner.” – Victoria Wood
“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’” – Jimmy Carr
“You never know where to look when eating a banana.” – Peter Kay
“If they’re making cakes for divorces, why not ‘Happy Menopause!’ ‘Mmm, it’s a bit dry. Why is there no jam? Have you run out of eggs?’ – Russell Howard
“The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies
“Looking at my penis, I find it endlessly fascinating. It’s 46 years old, my penis. 46! It’s older than the Sydney Opera House, my penis!” – Rhod Gilbert
“I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel. She died.” – Gary Delaney
“I’ve never laughed a woman in to bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.” – Jack Whitehall
“People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you from seeing the television properly.” – Victoria Wood
“I’ve got a boyfriend at the moment. Sometimes he’s there and sometimes he’s not. I prefer it when he’s not. Sex is a lot quicker.” – Sarah Millican
“I don’t like my boyfriend watching pornography. I do think it’s kind of a form of infidelity, because he’ll be imagining himself having sex with other women, and I don’t understand why he needs to watch it when I draw him such great vaginas.” – Sara Pascoe
“Mr Circumcision refused his knighthood.” – Rob Carter
[On The Big Fat Quiz of the Year] “I’ve answered at tedious length. ‘Tedious Length’ is also my porn name.” – David Mitchell
“They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!” – Russell Howard
“I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle
“I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.” – Victoria Wood
“Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.’” – Jimmy Carr
“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys w***ing. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. I was still w***ing.” – Gary Delaney
“Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.” – Billy Connolly
“Sex is like playing Bridge – if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.” – Peter Kay
“You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe
“The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican
“A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!'” – Gary Delaney
“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common: they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle
“One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think it’s b***ocks.” – Billy Connolly
“What do you call a video of two toads having sex? Frogspawn.” – David Ephgrave
“I went to buy a Christmas tree. The guy goes, ‘So you can put it up yourself?’ I said, ‘No, I was thinking the living room.” – Gary Delaney
“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard
“Not all sexual experiences have to be filled with anger. Just all in my experience.” – David Mitchell
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr
“Animals don’t watch porn do they? Unless you include my cat.” – Frankie Boyle
“From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican
“Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.” – Victoria Wood
“Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.” – Ken Dodd
“Better sexy and racy, than sexist and racist.” – Stephen Fry
“When I was 11, my mum gave me a lecture about cunnilingus. I look back as an adult and I think, ‘Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure.’ It had the exact opposite effect – there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if you’re thinking, ‘Hmm, Mum’d be proud.’” – Sara Pascoe
“I’m going out with an English teacher, which is a bit awkward because she keeps correcting my grammar during sex. She’s particularly annoyed at my improper use of the colon.” – Gary Delaney
“As a teenager I was confused that there was lots of different words for ‘sex’. I thought each of the words for ‘sex’ meant something distinct. I thought there were many more different kinds of sex things that I was going to have to get my head around before I became an adult. But then I realised that most of them referred to the same sort of basic penis penetration stuff. And that’s how I came to understand the richness of the English language.” – David Mitchell
“If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?” – Billy Connolly
“The thing I don’t get about paedophilia… Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?” – Frankie Boyle
Some other filthy jokes:
What’s the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year!
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
“If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.”
What’s long and hard and full of seamen?
Why do walruses love a Tupperware party?
They’re always on the lookout for a tight seal.
What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
What do you call someone with a small penis?
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Want to hear a joke about my penis?
Nevermind. It’s too long.
What do you do if your partner starts smoking?
Slow down and possibly use some lubricant.
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “I don’t understand, doc. Why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Bartender: “What’s the matter buddy?”
Man: “I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.”
Bartender: “What did you do?”
Man: “I told her to get the hell out!”
Bartender: “What about your friend?”
Man: “I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘bad dog!’”
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
What does a perverted frog say?
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They are both meat substitutes.
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
What kind of bees make milk?
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
What do you get if you cross an owl and a rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.
And some vulgar one-liners:
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
Masturbation always leads to sex. It’s a gateway tug.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup. I said, “Well, I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete just yet.”
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The best way to make your wife scream during sex is to ring her up and tell her where you are.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
I saw a dildo the other day described as “nine inches long and realistic”. I thought, “Well, which is it?” – Gary Delaney
Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.
Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself!
An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.
I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time that she’s just going to scream and run out of the park. – Gary Delaney
I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and w***ing at the same time. Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on. – Gary Delaney
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.
I’ve currently got a stalker. But you probably can’t tell in these trousers. – Gary Delaney
I got a DVD on how to improve your foreplay. I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning. – Gary Delaney
Love is like a machine… sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.
I’m trying to finish writing a script for a porno movie, but there are just too many holes in the plot.
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, “Depends what’s in it for me.”
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
I took a Viagra the other day. It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck.
My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.
Sex on TV can’t hurt… unless you fall off.
I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean. – Gary Delaney
When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self-checkout.
The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. Obviously, they don’t know that yet… – Gary Delaney
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He got dressed, waited a few minutes, it was too small that Madame Solbe would return and went to his room with the intention of leaving the extravagant, rude. Hostess in the morning. In the morning Hobs, opening his eyes, saw the maid cleaning his room. She offered him coffee or chocolate.
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Yes. As I think, that everything started with them today. Even not from them, but with the right arrow on the trolleys. I leaned to her face and we kissed passionately and unsuccessfully, enjoying the kiss ourselves, hot wet lips, foul. Tongues and the winey taste of coñac.