Why is my ex still trying to hurt me

Why is my ex still trying to hurt me DEFAULT

In my previous post, When Divorce is a Sickness, I discussed the "Malignant Divorce," a phenomenon that is becoming all too common in our society. Sadly, in some extreme cases, divorce can turn very dangerous. Here, I will discuss some behavioral patterns that may be indicate that your ex may be dangerous and what you can do about it.

Character Traps

Divorce is a loss -- a death of sorts. Under the stress of loss and uncertainty, most people regress and become more irritable, needy or impulsive. This immaturity is seen commonly, even in good divorces. Usually there's little serious impact. However, on the dysfunctional extreme, a person going through a tough divorce can regress dramatically to an immaturity that can be truly destructive, which I have labeled a "character trap." It is a term that I use to describe a regression of a personality within a limited time frame -- usually the years surrounding your divorce.

When a person is in this state, they believe their own distortions and just want to win, even if they hurt themselves in the process. While different in many ways, character traps like The Victim, The Control Freak, The Narcissist and The Avenger still have one thing in common. They know with certainty that they have been wronged (even if this is not objectively true) and they usually need to get even in order to feel some sense of justice.

The Intelligent Divorce outlines ten character traps. See if any of these four mirror your experience. Please note that it is nearly impossible to deal with a very disturbed ex spouse without outside help:

1. The Victim:
Victims truly believe that they've been wronged. The Victim might feel that you have stolen the best years of his or her life or that you are so untrustworthy that you should not be allowed near the children. Sometimes there is a kernel of truth in The Victim's claims, which gives The Victim more power. The Victim will use this to sway the opinions of friends, relatives, attorneys, and courts. Understand that this is to be considered a character trap only when it is a distortion of the truth -- if the ex-spouse is actually dangerous, this strategy is adaptive.

What You Can Do:
Get perspective: You will have to come to terms with what, if anything, you did to hurt The Victim. If you are dealing with a true victim, then it is your behavior that requires attention.

Stay involved with your children: Focus on providing your children with a stable upbringing. Live close if possible. Don't play out The Victim's fantasy that you care little for the kids. Actions often speak louder than words.

Manage your temper: Ex's with this character trap can be exasperating. If you respond in a dangerous way, it will be your problem, even if you're provoked. A good therapist can often help you set healthy boundaries and deal with your frustrations while staying involved with the children in as productive a way as possible.

Therapy is useful for the kids: A child or adolescent therapist can give your son or daughter a safe place to sort out their feelings about you and your ex.

2. The Control Freak:

The Control Freak shows a picture of being totally together on the surface, with anxiety and distrust living underneath. He or she will set up situations to make you look bad and present mountains of "evidence" proving that you're irresponsible. Control Freaks will often fight hard for custody, even if they don't really want it. Control Freaks are usually good with money, so they were probably in charge of your finances during the marriage. Sadly, the Control Freak may try to deprive you financially because you are "irresponsible" and because winning is his real goal.

What You Can Do:
Learn about money: Your past dependency on the Control Freak will be used against you. This is an opportunity for you to mature. Read about investing and get some financial counseling if you need to bone up.

Try therapy: To help realistically assess your parenting skills, deal with codependency issues developed during your marriage and treat depression.

Get good legal counsel: A lawyer who enables you to find a voice in the process is invaluable.

Understand where you might find control: Control Freaks are vulnerable to what others, particularly authority figures, think about them.

3. The Narcissist:

Narcissists are self-serving to a fault. They are usually exceptionally charming and will use that charm to get their way, while treating you with very little respect. When a Narcissist falls in love with you, it is like a dream, because narcissists will love you for making them so happy -- but it has little staying power. To narcissists, your history together does not really exist, particularly when they regress. If you have disappointed a Narcissist or if he or she simply has lost interest in the marriage, whatever love you had will not help make the divorce easier. And if you have crossed the Narcissist, he or she may make you pay with vitriol like you could never have imagined. You don't count anymore. This may really hurt, but when confronted with a narcissistic ex it is important to understand the person that you are dealing with.

What You Can Do:
Accept that the Narcissist may never really have loved you in a realistic way: If you accept this as a tragic truth, you can work through the hurt and anger.

Understand that the Narcissist wants to win because she feels wronged: You are dealing with a person who feels completely at home exploiting you and the kids.

Know that Narcissists can look great in public: They are able to present a compelling public persona to your friends and family while treating you with calculated coldness.

Stay calm: Blowups in front of the kids or with the Narcissist in public will come back to haunt you. People with this character trap have a remarkable ability to make themselves look smooth while making you look foolish.

4. The Avenger:
Any of the above, when taken to an extreme, can result in The Avenger. It's normal to want revenge when you have been hurt, but for The Avenger, this urge is overwhelming. Your ex will not be satisfied unless you have been put in your place. He or she holds an extremely distorted view of you and your divorce. Avengers may honestly think that if they can't have the kids, you shouldn't either, or worse yet -- if The Avenger can't have the kids, nobody should. Avengers' self righteousness is palpable, and violence can lie just below the surface. At its worst, Avengers are hell bent on inflicting revenge even if they or the children suffer as a consequence. Tragically for everyone, they simply can't stand seeing you happy and moving on in a normal way.

What You Can Do:
Don't ignore the warning signs: If you think The Avenger hates you or wants to hurt you, don't drop into denial. Most avengers move towards violence when they are in the process of losing control over the divorce, money or the children.

Plan ahead: Have a concrete plan if feel you are in danger. Make use of abuse hotlines and get to know the local police and the legal system. Orders of protection can help, but they are often violated.

Establish safe boundaries: If drop offs at your house or apartment are too dangerous, then have them take place in neutral spots or under supervision. Know under what circumstances you are safe to talk to him.

Therapy can help: You may feel safer than you really are. True safety has to do with dealing realistically with him, maintaining good boundaries (see above) and having a contingency plan.

If you believe that your ex is exhibiting signs of a character trap, get some outside help soon. You will need to be objective in order to help your children safely through the divorce. Use this information or take a look at The Intelligent Divorce: Book Two for more in depth discussion, so you can devise an "intelligent" approach to handle a Malignant Divorce.

Finally, time often heals -- not perfectly -- but sometimes enough. If you are stuck with a malignant personality who won't let go of victimhood or anger, then you will have to adjust to that threat. Remember, it's worth the effort to mitigate the damage, because time can work in your favor. Sometimes, these very difficult ex spouses do move on.

The goal is to keep the damage to a minimum.

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Sours: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-ex-who-wants-to-hurt-_b_1171962

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Today we’re going to be talking about why your ex is trying to hurt you. And we’re going to be using a real life scenario. Someone from our private Facebook support group was kind enough to allow me to use their situation to basically talk about why exes are mean, why they say disrespectful things, why they do things to specifically to try to hurt your feelings.

And what we’re going to do is not only are we going to understand why, but we’re actually going to also talk about how you should approach, how you should react to someone who’s being incredibly hurtful, saying incredibly disrespectful things, doing hurtful things, going on dates with other people, shoving it in your face, things like that.

How do you handle that?

Learning Exactly Why Your Ex Is Doing Hurtful Things

So let’s just jump right into it. I basically went to my private Facebook support group and told them that today I was going to be recording a podcast episode and I really didn’t have a good topic to cover.

And I asked people to ask me their most burning questions, the questions they want answered more than anything. And we got multiple different responses, so many in fact that I’m going to have to go back and actually add more or record more podcasts.

But I chose someone’s situation that I was briefly familiar with. And to protect her identity I am not going to be saying her name or talking about super big specifics, but I do need to give you a low down so that you can understand the situation.

  • So the person I am talking about here actually went through a breakup.
  • Her ex broke up with her, but the irony is that he blames her for letting him walk away.
  • After this breakup her ex went into this self-destructing spiral where he began drinking, smoking constantly, posting and sharing all sorts of hurtful things on social media.
  • And ultimately when she came to our program and used the no contact rule he had a birthday.
  • And the no contact rule basically says you cannot break it for the birthday. And she did not wish him a happy birthday on his birthday and this caused him to blow up.
  • So he sends her this really incredibly disrespectful text about how rude she is for not wishing him a happy birthday, how much better off he is without her, and how basically he’s going to disrespect her.
  • And since then he’s been going on dates and rubbing it in her face.

And then you can actually go back and see some of the posts if you’re in the private Facebook group that he’s been posting on social media, like social media updates about how he spent so many years with this person and how he fell in love with her and now the true colors are shown, things like that.

Basically she’s incredibly hurt and reeling and trying to understand this anger is coming from because the paradox here is that he was the one to break up with her.

So why is it that he is so angry at her?

Why is he trying to hurt her?

Understanding The Truth Of Anger

Well, in order to understand that we need to understand the truth of anger. Now, there’s a lot of different types of anger throughout the human experience.

You have anger when you are completely justified and there’s a 100% reason that you’re angry. And then you have anger like this, the paradoxical angers, and trying to understand, reconcile that, is difficult.

So what’s the difference between the two types of angers, the justified angers and the paradox type angers?

Well, justified anger is for example, let’s say you’re in a situation where someone robs you and takes your purse or money from you and they’re a thief and they run away. You’re angry at that person who did those things to you and you’re justified because ultimately that person’s not cool for doing that. And then you have the paradoxical anger and that’s the kind of anger that her ex is exhibiting here. And that’s the sort of anger where you’re angry at someone that you broke up with because they didn’t fight for you.

They let you walk way.

What’s going on here?

Well, Coach Anna and I couple of months ago did this really amazing podcast and I think it might be my favorite podcast that we’ve ever done. We’ve done some really great ones, but it was basically a podcast where we talked specifically about anger and why exes get mad and what to do if you think your ex is mad and even what to do if you’re worried that they’re mad. And what was interesting about that podcast is Coach Anna said something that I thought was really insightful.

And that’s the fact that situations where someone else is wrong or situations like this where there’s this paradox involved, where you have no right to be angry at this person that really didn’t do anything wrong… Well, it’s a weird coping mechanism.

So if we look at situations where someone else is wrong… So imagine you’re this person.

You are the one exhibiting this paradoxical anger, this anger where you broke up with the person, but you’re angry because they let you walk away. Well, if you look at a situation like that, in order to fall asleep at night, becoming the hero of your own story so to speak, it makes a lot more sense if you look at the situation as they’re wrong.

And we feel correct and we’re distracting ourselves from feeling the true pain, pain of regret and guilt and looking back over situations where you are feeling guilty and you don’t want face the harsh light of day.

And that’s why so many exes feel angry and judgmental. It’s essentially this defense mechanism that they put up and it’s more about them than you.

But what’s interesting is they’re not even consciously aware that this is what they’re doing most of the time. I think they’re consciously aware that it’s ridiculous for them to be angry at you when they’re the ones who ended the relationship. But they’re not consciously thinking, “Well, I’m the one who broke up with her so I’m the bad guy.” It’s important to remember that everyone is always the hero of their own story.

Oftentimes this is why we love antagonists in literature.

I mean, if you really think about it, a great antagonist in literature is actually not going to be the mustache twirling villain you would expect. It’s always someone with a legitimate reason for being angry.

I think this is actually why the Marvel movies are so beloved.

You have Thanos, right?

This really guy who basically wants to wipe out half of all population, but the reasons for why he wants to wipe it out are kind of noble in this weird way. He’s the hero of his own story. He is worried that overpopulation is going to cause people to suffer. And so it’s easier to wipe half of all people out… But let’s not forget the fact that with those infinity stones he could have just made double the resources so no one would have had to die, but that’s besides the point.

The point I’m trying to make here is your ex is going to be the hero of his own story. And that’s an important thing to understand when you’re looking at why they’re angry, because they will specifically craft situations in their head where they’ll make it to where you’re at fault for things you’re not really at fault for, because this is their coping mechanism.

This is what makes them feel like they don’t have to feel guilty.

A Personal Story To Illustrate This Point

I’m trying to think of a personal story to maybe illustrate this point and the only thing I can really think of is very first relationship I ever had, which was fraught with toxicity and fights, immaturity on my part, immaturity on her part.

And I was the one who initiated the breakup, but I was the one who was angry at her because in my mind she was the one that made me do it.

She put me in this position where our love was supposed to last. And that’s not what happened at all.

And I was angry about that fact, but the fact is when I look back on it with clearer eyes, there was a lot that I was at fault for. I was extremely immature. I was extremely insecure. And this is something that after the emotions died down I looked at it and said, “I need to improve so this doesn’t happen again on my next relationship.””

But not all people look at relationships that way.

How Do You Handle An Ex Who Hurt You?

So how do you handle someone like this? Someone who is trying to hurt you and it’s almost like their coping mechanism. It’s something that they are telling themselves and a belief. Well, I think the embedded question in this is looking at what they want more than anything. And this is kind of the tricky thing.

So the client that I’m talking about here, she is trying to learn how to handle this situation.

Her ex is saying hurtful things. Her ex is doing hurtful things. How does she handle that situation?

Well, I think the first way to handle that is by looking at what your ex wants more than anything. And her ex more than anything wants for her to beg for him back because he wants to win the breakup. Yet the irony is if she gives him what he wants, he will go, “Cool.” And then discard her like she’s nothing.

And the only reason I know this is because I’ve been doing this for a very long time and I’ve actually seen this play out time and time again. Oftentimes this is why super anxious behaviors like begging for your ex back doesn’t work. You give your ex that validation that they were seeking, like, “Yeah, I won. And now I’m bored.” It’s like a child getting a new toy.

You give this child this new toy and they play with it and they’re really excited. But then they look over and they see their brother and sister with an even newer toy and they discard it and want to go to that new toy.

So how do you handle someone like this?

How do you survive the onslaught of disrespect and hurtful types of behaviors? Well, I think understanding attachment styles can really help in this way. So I was trying to ask the person whose question I featured here and the question I’m answering here on this podcast what her ex’s attachment style was, what she thought it was. And I never received a response… At least at the time of this recording. And that’s okay because I’m going to make a few guesses based on the specific information available to me.

So the first thing I thought was maybe this ex is a fearful avoidant.

So one thing we know about avoidants is they value their independence more than anything else, but when you add that fearful aspect in there, they’ll disappear and then they’ll act really anxious and crazy and then they’ll disappear. And it’s this weird understanding of what is going on.

Yet the more I looked at the situation, the more I’m not quite sure that’s what this is, because they have a pretty storied history. I was looking through her specific questions in the Facebook group and it seems to me like they were on and off again for years. They were engaged at one point. They had been together for over seven or eight years. And my guess is it’s probably her ex that is the one that’s initiating a lot of these breakups and a lot of the on again, off again type behaviors.

So I want to say that her ex is exhibiting more anxious type of behaviors than fearful type of behaviors or avoidant type of behaviors. So I want to say her ex is acting in this anxious type of a way where he’s getting angered, but I’m not sure. That’s the challenge with working on not perfect information. And ultimately her ex is the only one that could truly tell us what their attachment style is.

But I want to say a lot of the blaming her for letting him walk away, a lot of the self-destructing spiral like drinking, smoking, posting and sharing hurtful things, is anxious behavior in this weird way that he’s trying to seek validation that she still loves him. That’s why I said what he wants more than anything is to win this breakup.

But how does she handle someone like this?

What Would A Secure Person Do?

Well, I think that the ultimate key to handling someone like this is to always ask yourself, “What would a secure person do?” So how do you first define what a secure attachment style is?

Well, I think ultimately someone with a secure attachment style is going to be able to regulate their emotions and feelings really well. They’re going to also have a really strong goal-oriented behavior when they’re on their own. They’ll be great at bonding and opening up and trusting others.

They’ll be great at knowing what they’re about in life and what purpose they ultimately want to fulfill, which is actually something I think a lot of people miss out on. They don’t really know what that is. Secure people can communicate their needs really effectively. They feel like they have an impact on the world around them.

They feel very fulfilled. They’re comfortable with closeness and mutual dependencies. They actively seek emotional support from their partner when things are tough.

They give their emotional support to their partner when things are tough. They’re comfortable being alone and use that time to explore and innovate. They also have a really strong capacity to reflect on how they are being in a relationship, whether this relationship is something they want to continue with going forward.

So I think always the best way to handle people who are being hurtful towards you and disrespectful towards you, we can always go with the Frank Sinatra quote of best revenge in life is a massive success, but I think more than anything, I view… I grew up in Texas. So this is going to be a weird analogy, but in Texas… I grew up in Galveston County. And Galveston is… Their one claim to fame is that they got hit in like the 1900s by this massive category four, category five hurricane and it wrecked the town.

It was before they had any kind of weather instruments that could dictate, “Hey, there’s a hurricane coming. Flee.” So it just hit, devastated the town. And when they rebuilt the town, they built this ocean wall almost like the wall in Game of Thrones, but this is a wall to keep the storm surge back.

And I view this situation in that way. I view an ex trying to hurt you or doing disrespectful things as trying to get a rise out of you, trying to get you to break your wall, so to speak. So imagine the waves crashing here. Someone who’s really anxious, someone who’s really disrespectful, hurtful. They’re like a crazy storm. And the best way to handle them is by not giving them validation, not rewarding them for their crazy behavior. It’s by holding the wall. And you want to hold the wall by being secure. If your ex is acting like a crazy storm then you need to act like the exact opposite. You need to act like a stone, stalwart, really confident with yourself person.

And it’s going to be hard too, because generally speaking with exes like this, eventually they will feel nostalgia. Eventually they will feel guilt for all of the things they’re saying and all of the things they’re doing. And usually I think the biggest mistake a lot of people make is reaching out to their ex when they’re in still the stormy state. And I think the key is trying to time your reach out in a way that you’re not reaching out when they’re in the stormy state. You’re reaching out when they’re in this guilty state, where they’re thinking back on, “My gosh, I acted like a fool. How could I treat her that way? She’ll never want to talk to me again.” And then you reach out.

So the person who asked this question also asked other question. She was saying, “My ex is acting very hurtful and mean to me, what do I do?” Things like that. But she also basically asked a few other questions and that was she’s doing everything right. She’s being ungettable, keeping herself lowkey. Right now she’s doing things to make him wonder, being mysterious on her part. She just got accepted to grad school. Things are going really well, but she just wants to know, “Is he going to reach out again?” Since she ignored his message about the birthday when he blew up on her.

My answer is, “I don’t know, but probably yes.” I’m not a fool. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but my guess is he probably will reach out. But what you’re going to want to do is it doesn’t really matter when or even if he reaches out. What matters is you need to reach out at the right type of time. And so one of the quotes that I love best is, “Always find the advantage in the disadvantage.”

As weird as it sounds, when you’re at a disadvantage, everyone always obsesses about, “Wow, my situation sucks. I’m horrible. This is horrible.” What they fail to realize is there is always an advantage in the disadvantage. And the advantage I see here is your ex is so… I don’t want to say toxic, but chaotic, that when things are probably going well, you will see that probably reflected in their social media. When they’ve calmed down and they start feeling guilt, they’re going to stop the crazy posts and things like that.

So if you want my advice, it’s not to reach out until you feel your ex is in that feeling guilty stage.

Sours: https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/why-is-my-ex-trying-to-hurt-me/
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When improper recovery happens

Why would an Ex ,who has supposedly moved on, try to hurt a person?
If someone has totally forgotten about someone then he shouldn't bother hurting him, right?

Well while your Ex might have recovered and moved on still this recovery might have not happened the proper way.
In my article about the stages of recovery i explained how a person has to go through many phases before he can recover from a breakup.

One of those stages of recovery is anger where a person feels intense anger towards the one he broke up with and might feel like wanting to inflict harm on him.

When recovery doesn't happen correctly a person can remain stuck in that phase and always feel like wanting to hurt his Ex.

Why your Ex is trying to hurt you

Here are some main reasons your Ex is still trying to hurt you:

  • 1) Your Ex still has emotions for you: While this is not always the case still it can be the reason behind the desire to hurt you. If your Ex hasn't fully recovered then he/she might feel like hurting you (See also Why some people never recover)
  • 2) The breakup was devastating for your Ex: Even if your Ex recovered if the breakup was emotionally intense to the extent that it hurt them a lot then your Ex might feel like wanting to revenge because of the pain you caused (See Why breakups hurt)
  • 3) Your Ex believes the relationship was abusive: If your Ex believed that the relationship was an abusive one or if your Ex suffered a great deal while you were together because of your behaviour then they might seek revenge
  • 4) Your Ex feels humiliated : If you dumped your Ex in a way that seemed humiliating to them then they might want to seek revenge against you (see why properly closing a relationship is very important for recovery)
  • 5) You hurt your Ex's Ego: If the relationship ended in such a way that crushed your Ex's ego then they might want to seek revenge against you

What to do to end this?

There are two great methods that you can follow. The first is to do nothing after understanding that your Ex is trying to hurt you because she/he is suffering. By being emotionally intelligent enough to understand that your Ex is doing so because of not being able to fully recover then you will be able to have peace of mind.

But what if your Ex kept annoying you or doing things that badly impacted your life?
In such a case you need to use reverse psychology. By just sending a message that shows that you understand the intentions behind your Ex's behaviour your Ex will think hundreds of times before annoying you again.

Here is an example:

"I Understand that the breakup was hard for you and this is why you are still doing your best to take revenge against me however i am pretty sure you can learn how to let go and focus on your own life instead of wasting all of this energy on me".

I strongly don't recommend you send such a message unless your Ex is intruding in your life in a way that directly affects your well being.

The book How to make someone fall in love with you was released by 2knowmyself.com; the book will dramatically increase your chance of letting someone fall in love with you.

2knowmysef is not a complicated medical website nor a boring online encyclopedia but rather a place where you will find simple, to the point and effective information that is backed by psychology and presented in a simple way that you can understand and apply. If you think that this is some kind of marketing hype then see what other visitors say about 2knowmyself.

Want to know more?

Why revenge against your Ex is a bad idea

Signs that your Ex has moved on

Why there is no such thing as the one

How to get over anyone in few days (book)

How to make anyone fall in love with me fast (book)

How to end Depression instantly (book)

How to control people's minds (Course)

How to develop rock solid self confidence fast (course)

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Sours: https://www.2knowmyself.com/Why_is_my_ex_trying_to_hurt_me

As the saying goes; all is fair in love and war.

If love is deemed as beautiful and magical, then breakups are shocking and wicked. They bring out the worst in people regardless of whether you are the dumpee or the dumper.

The only difference between the two is that dumpees usually do their best to control their behavior—for they want their exes back, while dumpers give in to the repulsive emotions and act imprudently as if the dumpee never existed.

So if you’re somewhat fresh out of a breakup and you’re thinking to yourself, “Why does my ex want to hurt me so much,” this is the topic for you.

Moreover, please note that the content of this article applies to both males and females, but the article will be written from a male perspective. Let’s jump right to it.

why does my ex want to hurt me so much

Why does my ex want to hurt me so much?

There are two possibilities why an ex is trying to hurt you.

  1. Your ex is trying to get back at you due to the victim’s mentality.
  2. Your ex just doesn’t care enough and hurts you inadvertently.

It’s not too difficult to discern whether your ex is hurting you on purpose or non-intentionally.

If your ex is deliberately going out of her way to hurt you, she will make sure you find out about her malevolent actions. Your ex will hurt you because your pain will give her a huge ego boost and provide her with the validation she so badly craves. In a nutshell, her actions will appear very immature, vengeful and even crazy.

Contrarily, if your ex is not trying to hurt you, then her actions will be a lot less demeaning. She will probably talk badly about you to her friends to justify her reasons for leaving and might even post how happy she is on social media. Moreover, she will not compare you to the new person she’s dating and will just mind her own business.

Why is my ex-girlfriend trying to hurt me only after the breakup?

Most of the time, dumpers don’t play any mind games, but sometimes, we come across that one individual that takes vengeance to a whole different level.

When that vengeful individual breaks up with us, we finally get to meet the real person – the one that has been hiding behind a mask all these months or years.

You’re probably thinking, “In the relationship, my girlfriend never tried to harm me. Why is my ex trying to hurt me now?

If you are having these thoughts, I believe can help you with them.

Your girlfriend cared about you and the relationship she was in. So now that she’s a free spirit—and fully-detached from you, she doesn’t care about what you think about her. She can do as she feels – which she avidly does.

So if you get the feeling that your ex-girlfriend is out to hurt you by doing horrible things, rejoice! You finally got to meet the ugly side of her which will help you move on when you’re past the initial hurt.

Why is my ex trying to hurt me

Your ex’s mean actions will also prevent you from wanting her back if she ever returns. And that’s a good thing as you will know exactly what your ex is capable of. Not only that. You will also have learned not to tolerate her behavior again and especially—her post-breakup treatment.

It goes without saying that relationships should start the other way around by getting to know a person’s bad side first. Unfortunately, people conceal their dark side for as long as they can until they can’t control it anymore. That’s the reason why most relationships fail within the first 6 months when people’s true colors finally protrude through the surface.

But just because people’s true colors show with time, it doesn’t mean that we don’t have an even darker side – the really scary one. This side is usually summoned when we are undergoing something extremely emotional. Breakups are a good example of this thesis.

The dark side ???

Sadly, most people are capable of bad things. They just need to be pushed far enough to show them. Begging and pleading to insanity or anything that goes against the dumper’s freedom for example, usually does the job.

People can be vengeful, manipulative and absolutely bitter when it comes to our past relationships. When our pride, ego, and self-esteem have been hurt, we do unimaginable things to soothe our raging anxiety.

This usually occurs when things don’t happen the way we want them to, so we lose emotional self-control and tap into our dark side to unleash the fury.

The dark side of a breakup

Since everyone has a dark side, this is exactly the reason why exes hurt us so much when we only want to live peacefully after a breakup. Everything we do and sometimes even don’t do quickly enrages our exes, bringing out the worst in them.

Unfortunately, the only way to help your ex cool off is to completely remove your presence and go indefinite no contact.

Dumpees’ pain

It’s also important not to mistake our exes’ actions and inactions for deliberate intentions for them to hurt us. Since we are so heartbroken, it’s really easy to get hurt from something/anything our exes do.

Try not to get hurt if your ex starts hanging out with someone new, goes on vacation with her friend or posts every single moment of her life on social media. These are not the reasons to get offended and hurt so don’t misinterpret your ex’s post-breakup life. It’s full of relief and elation anyway, so don’t pay much attention to it.

It doesn’t really matter how much fun your ex is having and who she’s with. None of that matters in your short and precious life.

What does matter, is you. You are the most important person in the world – at least to yourself.

The things exes do to hurt you

Exes do all sorts of things to hurt us—especially dumpers. They go to great lengths to win the post-breakup war and celebrate in glory once they achieve it.

Fortunately, the reasons why exes hurt us have nothing to do with who we were as their partners. It’s got everything to do with our exes’ competitiveness and their unjust sense of retribution. So if your ex is hurting you on purpose, know that it’s not your fault. You shouldn’t be getting punished for your past mistakes.

Here are some of the things exes do to hurt you a lot:

  • posting explicit pictures and comments on social media
  • bragging about the new boyfriend
  • ignoring and avoiding you
  • getting angry at you
  • spreading rumors about you, your friends or your family
  • trying to make you jealous
  • threatening, insulting and belittling

Unintentional ways in which your ex hurts you:

  • being able to stay away from you and not reaching out
  • not getting as hurt as you
  • moving on with ease
  • drinking and partying
  • appearing happy on social media or in her new relationship
  • getting engaged, married

What do I do if my ex is trying to hurt me?

If your ex is trying to hurt you on purpose, whatever you do, don’t reciprocate and fight fire with fire. If you do, your ex will likely win the battle.

And even if you prove to be the worst person and get the short-lived satisfaction of revenge, it likely won’t last very long as it never does.

Revenge isn’t sweet, it’s nasty. It doesn’t make you grow as a person, it delays your maturity and shows that you’re a bitter and spiteful person.

If you get back at your ex for hurting you, you will eventually regret your actions and wish that you’d been the bigger person and let karma take care of your ex.

Instead of regretting your actions later, remind yourself that you don’t need to compete with an ex that’s trying to hurt you. You’ve won already by sticking with this person to the very end. That’s why you have absolutely nothing to lose by letting your ex do what she wants to do. You only have things to gain.

What do I do if my ex is trying to hurt me

Always keep in mind to be the better person when things don’t appear pretty. Gather your strength to smile at your ex’s malicious behavior and forget about it as quickly as you can. Nothing will annoy your ex as much as forgiving and pitying her poor, vengeful soul.

You will instead inadvertently show her that you are not going to play her dirty games because you’re a mature individual. If you did, you’d only have fallen into her trap.

Unless your ex is threatening you with physical violence or is emotionally abusing you, you just have to wait for her anger to dissipate.

But if it’s serious and you’re scared for your safety, contact your ex’s friends and family. And if that doesn’t help and things escalate—inform the police.

But when will my ex stop hurting me?

Both dumpers and dumpees eventually stop bothering and annoying each other. It’s only a matter of time before your ex finds someone else to pester. The only thing you need to do is to not pay any attention to your ex—as difficult as it may seem sometimes.

I know you may be wondering, “Why is my ex hurting me when I’ve been nothing but nice to her prior to the breakup and even after?”

Whenever you blame yourself for your ex’s emotional instability, tell yourself that it’s got nothing to do with you. Provided you’re in indefinite no contact, you have nothing to take responsibility for. Absolutely nothing at all.

Your ex will stop hurting you when either of the two conditions are met:

  1. Your ex gets bored and tired from a lack of reaction from you.
  2. You get over the breakup, grow as a result, and move on to better things.

If your ex is hurting you on purpose, do your best not to worry about your ex’s actions. She’s digging up her own grave of negative stigma to lay in, so let her karmic injustice be her future problem to worry about.

In the meantime, figure out how you can better your own life so that the pettiness of your ex won’t wound you.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

Breakups and bad experience help us grow tremendously as human beings learn the most when we’re out of luck. This includes angry exes that are trying to hurt us out of spitefulness and a false sense of righteousness.

Every time we react positively to a negative encounter we further rewire our brains to become the best version of ourselves.

So yes, even something as negative as a crazy, vengeful and miserable ex can serve as a lesson to us. We just have to be prepared to see it that way.

Breakups make us stronger

Consider your breakup a challenge – a predicament to evolve from. Don’t let your ex drag you to the abyss down with her. It will only give her the pleasure of knowing that she’s got you right where she wants you.

Instead, climb above and beyond—far out of your ex’s reach and keep going. Run so far, your ex won’t even see your dust anymore. That’s how you will outgrow your ex and always be one step ahead of her without even trying.

Everything depends on your determination, hence that you always have two options.

1) You can react to your impulses and become somewhat similar to your ex.

2) Become someone your ex will only dream of being with.

The choice is yours to make, but it starts with you here and now.

What will it be? Vengeance or personal growth?

Can you think of more ways and reasons why your ex wants to hurt you so much? Comment below and let me know. ?

Categories BreakupTags my ex is hurting me so badly, my ex left me and is hurting me, when will my ex stop hurting me, why is my ex trying to hurt meSours: https://magnetofsuccess.com/why-does-my-ex-want-to-hurt-me-so-much/

Is me why to hurt my trying ex still

“Why is my ex so mean to me? What did I do?”

You may have asked yourself this before (or are still asking it, since you’re reading this article right now).

Exes can be a confusing arena to navigate, especially if they’re being complicated to deal with after the breakup when you’ve cut off most contact. It can be especially confusing when they’re being mean; things between the two of you are done, so why are they acting this way?

It’s time to stop going around in circles in your head, wondering what you did wrong; let’s go into ten reasons why your ex is mean to you.

1) They still have feelings for you

A big reason why your ex is mean to you is that they still have feelings for you.

You might be thinking that that makes zero sense. But if you think about it, it’s a natural reaction to having feelings for someone you’re not allowed to express feelings towards anymore.

They’re feeling things that they don’t want to feel, so they take it out on you because they think that that’s your fault (especially if you’re the one who initiated the breakup).

They could be unhappy in a new relationship and now they want you back. Or they’re single and wishing you guys could rekindle what you once had. This might cause them to become bitter and hence their mean attitude towards you.

But what if you felt the same?

There is something you can do to get reunite with your ex. Not to go back to the same relationship you once had, but to start a new, better relationship.

To do this, you only need to change the emotions he associates with you and make him picture what a brand new relationship with you would look like. 

In his excellent short video, James Bauer gives you a step-by-step method for women who want to change the way their ex feels about them. He reveals the texts you can send and things you can say that will trigger deep feelings inside him. 

QUIZ: Does he really love you? My fun new Zodiac quiz can help you figure it out, based on his Zodiac sign. Check it out here.

Because once you paint a new picture about what your life together could be like, his mean comments will become a thing of the past and you could end up creating the relationship you’ve always dreamt of.

Watch his excellent free video here.

2) They want to get your attention

If they want you back and you’ve decided that pressing that “delete contact” button was final, they could be acting out as a way to get you to interact with them again.

They might be thinking that the more they keep themselves in your life, the more you’ll reconsider getting back into a relationship with them.

Maybe they’re testing the waters, too — stirring the pot to see if you’ll take the bait because that could send the message that you still care about them. They want to see what you’ll do or how you’ll feel if you talk to them again.

Also, they might be missing you — they’re missing the attention you gave them, so they’ll do anything to get that attention back, even if it means being mean to you.

3) They’re in the “anger” part of the stages of grief

There’s no exact order for how people should move on from things because everyone has their own pace and ways of getting through a breakup.

That being said, the concept of the five stages of grief has been used to label the different stages in recovering from something that has hurt you; maybe your ex is mean to you because they’re in the “anger” part of the cycle.

The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Although they don’t necessarily have to be experienced in order (you could ping pong and go in circles between the five if that’s what your process looks like), it’s common to experience at least one at a time. Maybe your ex is just mean because they’re stuck in that circle of breakup-hell.

In a breakup context, they might be angry because they’ve realized that they deserve more from a relationship and are now mad at themselves too — but of course, they’ll be likely to pin it on you and express that by being mean.

4) They’re still hurting over the breakup

Your ex might still be mad at you because they’re still hurt over losing you; they’re using their anger to shield themselves from their sadness.

QUIZ: Does he really love you? My fun new Zodiac quiz can help you figure it out, based on his Zodiac sign. Check it out here.

Think of it this way. They lost the person who was supposed to love them the most. That hurts, whether they were the dumper or the dumped.

Naturally, losing that person would make them angry and mean because they might be feeling betrayed because of promises the two of you might have made to each other before.

They could also be made from old trauma or the reason for the breakup.

If you hurt each other (especially if you’re the one who hurt them), they could still be holding onto anger from what happened — explaining why they’re still mean to you even after you’ve broken up.

5) They’re jealous

If you’re dating someone new, there’s a big chance your ex is mean to you because they’re jealous.

At one point, the two of you probably thought you’d be together forever. Now that you’re showing them that it won’t happen anymore, it might be fanning the betrayal flames.

They’ll also want to one-up whoever you’re dating to show you that they’re the better choice, and if that isn’t working, it’s even more cause for them to be mad at and mean to you.

6) They’re pretending to be over you

This is a see-through tactic for the post-breakup struggle; if they’re mean to you, they might be pretending to be over you.

They’re deflecting any lingering feelings they have onto you, the subject of those feelings, who they can’t seem to stop thinking about.

To overcompensate, they now act like they’re mad—  and they might even be mad at themselves because they know they’re just pretending to be over it and it might not be working.

7) They’re stressed about the breakup

Of course, you might not directly be the reason that they’re mean to you. It’s possible that they’re just stressed out about the situation as a whole and are choosing to take it out on you because, in their heads, you caused this stress.

This is especially possible in more serious relationships when the two of you have been entangled in too many things; do you have any joint accounts that you have to close? Any rent payments for your apartment that you now have to figure out?

QUIZ: Does he really love you? My fun new Zodiac quiz can help you figure it out, based on his Zodiac sign. Check it out here.

All of these other factors might be making them anxious, so if your ex is mean to you, it might be because they’re upset about the situation.

8) They’re guilty about the breakup

In psychology, there’s a defense mechanism called reaction formation which happens when you express the opposite of what you’re feeling because you want to cover up what you’re actually feeling.

In this case, if they’re guilty about the breakup, they might be trying to pick a fight with you because they want to push away their guilt.

Maybe they were the ones who cheated, or they regretted how they immediately asked you to move out after the breakup. If there are feelings of guilt that they can’t get rid of, they might be mean to you to cover it up.

9) They feel like you’re not getting the message

If you’ve been trying to get them to come back to you, they might be mean on purpose to shake you off. This could be their way of making it clear that they really don’t want to give your relationship another shot.

They might be extra-mean to break your denial bubble if you still haven’t accepted that the relationship has ended.

If you’re still chasing after them because you still want them back, they could feel like you’re holding them back from being happy and resent that. This is probably a frustrating situation for them, so it’d explain why they’re being mean.

10) They don’t want to hurt you

Now it really doesn’t make sense at first, right?

It actually does when you think about it, because maybe they’re being mean and trying to pick a fight so that they’re not the ones who hurt you; now, the narrative is that you hurt each other.

If they want to keep their hands clean when it comes to the hurt they’ve caused, they might want to level the scales by goading you into hurting them back so that to them, it doesn’t feel like they hurt you.

If they pick a fight and you fight back, they can consider themselves to be a victim too.

Now what?

There are two ways this can go, depending on what you want to do next.

QUIZ: What does your man want from you? My fun new quiz will reveal what he REALLY wants – based on his Zodiac sign! Take my quiz here.

Do you want to get back together with them or do you want to end things once and for all?

If you want to get back together, show them that you’ve improved and have become a better person now. Maybe they’re mean to you because they want you to think it’s over and they want it to be over because they broke up with you for a reason.

But if you’ve changed for the better since then and you want them to reconsider getting back with you, show them what they’re missing and keep your fingers crossed.

And if this is the case, I recommend taking James Bauer’s advice. He knows that the solution isn’t returning to what you once had, but creating something even better. 

He’ll give you unique tips to win your ex back and create a relationship that serves both of you, putting love and commitment at the center of it all. 

Click here to watch his excellent free video.

But if you want to break it off for good, avoid taking the bait. Don’t fight fire with fire.

Decide that you’re done and give each other the space you need to cool off any unresolved bad feelings. Maybe this could even lead to you ceasing contact altogether; if that’s something you want, keep a safe distance from the fire and be ready with an extinguisher to put it out.

Like we said, exes are complicated — but they don’t have to be. Pay attention to their behavior and eventually, you’ll figure out once and for all why they’re being mean to you.

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The real reason why men pull away

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Sours: https://loveconnection.org/reasons-why-your-ex-is-mean-to-you/
Why Is My Ex So Angry Towards Me - My Ex Is Mean To Me!

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