It’s that time of month again. You know, when guys know it’s better to hide under the covers for a few days?
That’s right, it’s time for another pairing of vintage releases from our old pal Carlos Tobalina, and this time both hail from that halcyon year 1983…
First up, we have My Sinful Life, which features bottle blonde stoner gal Danielle, alongside 70’s leading man Jamie Gills and up and coming 80’s mainman Tom Byron…but who does Carlos top bill after Dani?
You guessed it, “Introducing The Fabulous “B.J.”
Don’t ask me.
“Regarding thcool, though, I juth want you to know that I’m gonna finith that for my own interethts. I mean, you know I’m a sthraight A sthudent.”
“I’m glad, um, your admission…was…really exthiting, it mutht make yer…self real happy.”
So begins the lisp-off between our mopey stonerette star and her rather Terri Garr-like presumed aunt Vicki. Dani’s come to stay to get away from her inbred family, which includes an uncredited Don Fernando in what’s either a bad old man wig or a whole bag of flour in his helmetlike coiff as “dad”, the posterior blessed Brooke Fields as “mom” and the aforementioned (and rather youthful) Byron as “son”. You can imagine what goes on in this upstanding household. At least you can if you have a particularly twisted imagination or especially jaded view on life…
“No, I didn’t…I didn’t know any of this, umm…of course, though, you know that Sebathtian and Crithtine aren’t your real parents. That you are adopted. And, uh..well…look, you don’t have to worry about any of this, that stuff here, because…this is your new home, and…uh…we got a lot to do, and… it’s been a long day…let’s just go unpack…an’ uh, then we’ll…cause we have to register…you for school tomorrow.”
Thanks for the “out”, Carlos. I can just see guilty grindhouse patrons pulling their hands out of their filthy trenchcoats long enough to wipe their foreheads in relief. Whew, that was a close one!
Of course, no sooner does Our Favorite Burnout hit campus than she’s befriended a very 80’s gap toothed Flashdance wannabe who we’re told “must be really rich, you have a lot of nice clothes”.
“How do you make your money?” our heroin(e) asks.
“Oh…in a…quiet, unknown way,” our bubbleheaded Beals replies, helpfully.
And so we move on to employment in an old fashioned brothel run by the frighteningly dead on long lost sister to Zsa Zsa and Eva, “Helga” Gabor (who may actually be terrifying grandma-MI(W)LF* Aunt Peg). Meanwhile, Vicki gets a visit from Tom Byron, who wonders where Sis is.
* remember, kids, the W stands for “wouldn’t” if not “would never“…
“Well, she got a job with a girlfriend of hers from work, and, um…uh, from school, and she got a job working as a waitress down, uh…mm…(clicks tongue during long forgetful pause)…not too far from here.”
Ladies and gentlemen, the Academy Award of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences goes to…
Hell, even Carlos was bemused enough to play goofy ragtime style player piano music after that bravura line reading…and then we’re informed that our mystery “aunt” (could she be the “Fabulous BJ” trumpeted in the opening credits?) was on a phone call when Byron arrived, leaving the other party hanging all this time! The laughs just never stop…
Patron Gillis gets with both Danielle and our Flashdancer, Byron starts wanking to a little red book (do they leave Victorian erotica laying around on the coffee table or something?), and our redheaded actress of the year doffs her leather skirt to show why she got hired for this gig, because “we’re all family anyway!” (shudder).
Just to make sure no one comes away unscathed, there’s a twist ending that brings it all full circle and lets nobody off the hook. Hell, there’s even a hilariously blunt closing theme song that spells it all out for you, so there’s no mistake as to what’s being said here!
Gee, thanks, Carlos…
Well, for what it’s worth, “Aunt Vicki” is the best looking member of the cast (so of course, there’s not a single screenshot featuring her), Fields and to a lesser extent Danielle have pleasant enough posteriors, and we get the patented Tobalina duo of director cameo and orgy sequence before matters come to a close.
Next up, we head out to Sin City to hook…er, hook up with those Las Vegas Girls and get introduced to “a galaxie of new super stars”. Beyond the obvious connotation that no, this film will feature zero recognizable cast members, I see from the title card that Carlos’ command of the English language continues to improve…
At least we get some nice travelogue footage, from the airport to the strip. Redd Foxx and Slappy White are double billing at the Hacienta, Jerry Lewis and Jack Jones are at the Sahara, and hey, isn’t that the same MGM Grand hotel suite from Her Last Fling? No, it’s actually a much snazzier one, complete with jacuzzi, private bar and stunning skyline view…ah, perfect time to insert one of those typically Tobalina orgy sequences.
And hey, what’s with that tacky room with all the clashing colors and motifs, not to mention all the giant Christmas decorations? Did they suddenly fly out to Graceland? Paging Elvis…
Anyway, the plot, such as it is, revolves around a missing daughter and the male/female private eyes hired to track her down through an ocean of prostitutes. You can guess how the investigation runs for him, while our sardonically Southern fried distaff dick is content to diddle herself vigorously in her own hotel room, in the shower, and so on. Hey, is that William Margold in one of the hooker orgies? Yeah, and that girl from Flesh Pond is with him…
Considering that the “parents” are quite geriatric (the father just did a round with Gabor and company in My Sinful Life, but we’re easily talking well past retirement age here), it’s a bit grimace inducing to see a “daughter” barely beyond her teens (when are they supposed to have had her, at 55?). But Carlos does give everyone a “happy” ending – the oldsters find their daughter, the daughter bags herself a “rich man”, and The Diddler finally gets laid by her partner, prompting her to drawl, “we-all found each other”. *
*Well, close enough, y’all.
Vinegar Syndrome does its usual bang up job in restoring these tidbits of hysterical…I mean, historical detritus to a vibrancy that easily puts more recent and modern productions to shame, and if you’re just looking for a few cheap laughs, ridiculous lines delivered by folks with a severely limited command of either the script or the English language per se, there’s nothing quite like these nigh-monthly double features from the Tobalina family vault – I actually find myself looking forward to them at this point, if only for the sheer comic relief.
Bring on the next batch!
More Carlos Tobalina from Vinegar Syndrome with this pair of taboo entries dealing with jail bait turning tricks.
MY SINFUL LIFE is the story of young Jill (Danielle, ORIENTAL HAWAII) who has come to San Francisco to live with her Aunt Vickie (D.J. Cone, SINDEROTICA) to attend college, although she admits that her real motive for moving so far away from her parents (CARNAL OLYMPIC's Don Fernando and FLESH POND's Rita Ricardo) is that she is tired of having sex with them. Most disturbingly, she reveals that her bisexual parents have been touching her for as long as she can remember and that they also include her brother Ron (Tom Byron, MALIBU SUMMER). The blonde, all-American, straight A student has to be told by her aunt that her two Latino parents actually adopted her and Ron (which somehow makes things even more disturbing), but Vickie says that the only thing Jill will have to worry about in her home are her grades. Still yearning to find out the identities of her real parents, Jill wants to raise some money to hire a private detective (Tobalina himself). Her new school friend Lori (Brooke Fields, SEX SPA U.S.A.) reveals that she can afford her expensive clothes by working in the brothel of Madam Zsa Zsa (BLUE ICE's Helga Sven, billed as "Helga Gabor" and doing the Hungarian accent). As Jill learns the trade with one of the madam's regular customers (Jamie Gills, THE OPENING OF MISTY BEETHOVEN), Ron shows up in town and gets caught with his pants down by Vickie (who evidently does not see him as being damaged like Jill). Meanwhile, Madam Zsa Zsa reconnects with cowboy Martin and reveals that during his three year captivity by Pygmies(!) twenty years prior, she gave up a baby girl and a baby boy for adoption and never heard from them again (hmm…) When Jill asks Zsa Zsa if she can employ Vickie at her brothel and Ron at her other one for men, she and Martin decide to audition all of them in a climactic orgy that keeps things "all in the family."
Despite the usual listless orgies and cue card acting, MY SINFUL LIFE is one of the better-made and more conventionally entertaining Tobalina films. Despite the taboo subject matter of sexual molestation, Danielle at least does not look as barely legal as some of Tobalina's other discoveries (for instance, his THREE RIPENING CHERRIES or the babysitting quintet of SEXUAL HEIGHTS). The incestuous climax is not as shocking or as comedic as the climax of PRETTY PEACHES because everything telegraphed so early on. It turns out to be the past their prime talent, however, that provides some visual novelty. Just when you think Madam Zsa Zsa and Martin are going to remain clothed observers, off go the clothes and into bed they jump with Zsa Zsa getting plumbed by Nick Niter (one of the male strippers from the "Where's the Beef?" climax of LADY DYNAMITE) and the girls each having a turn at Grandpa (or just Pa). Tobalina gets lucky with three of Zsa Zsa's girls, but fortunately offscreen. Tobalina's photography is slick (apart from some in-camera damage to the negative that once again suggests he never got his camera serviced) but functional while the Casio-keyboard theme song ("I'd like to do it with you baby, I'd like to do it all night long!") has a whispered refrain that sounds like "Suck, suck, suck!"
New York detectives Dan (Dan Boulder, INTERLUDE OF LUST) and Joyce (Karen Hall) are hired by Texas billionaire J.B. Harrison and his wife (Liz Renay, DEEP ROOTS) to find their underage daughter (Brooke West, UNDULATIONS) who they suspect may be turning tricks in Las Vegas. With Harrison bankrolling their expedition to Vegas, Dan and Joyce decide the only way for them to find the girl is to book a penthouse suite for hot tub parties with various prostitutes and swingers. When this approach does not work, Joyce hits the casinos and looks for the girl in the casts of live sex shows while Dan visits the whorehouses. While Dan undertakes interrogations under the guise of sampling the local talent, an aroused and frustrated Joyce takes things in hand herself. With the money running low and no sign of the missing girl, the detectives must either throw in the towel or delve deeper into Vegas' sex trade.
With as much travelogue footage as lukewarm sex scenes in which acrobatic positions try to make up for genuine heat, LAS VEGAS GIRLS really is a painless experience as far as Tobalina films go. Renay possesses the only thing close to acting talent among the principals. Hall is cardboard when she's not masturbating while Boulder can deliver dialogue but cannot pretend to be aroused watching other people have sex when he seems much more into himself when the camera is on him (seeming to pose for the camera when he is not actively involved in a sex scene). Blair Harris (COME UNDER MY SPELL) pops up as the missing girl's surprise suitor while William Margold (MARILYN AND THE SENATOR) and SEXCALIBUR's Drea host one of the orgies Dan attends. The music scoring features a trio of songs from one Mary Vernon, including the cool theme song "For a Price" that recurs throughout the film.
Scanned in 2K from the original 35mm camera negatives, both films probably look better than they ever have or ever will in standard definition progressive, anamorphic 1.78:1 widescreen with crisp detail and vivid colors (particularly reds which are saturated but undistorted). LAS VEGAS GIRLS is the better-photographed of the two films, with more production value and better backdrops for the sex scenes. Stock footage of New York, Texas, Las Vegas, and Mexico abounds; but the neon-lit night exteriors of Vegas are utterly hypnotic in their color and luminosity (some of them must have been shot by Tobalina since they feature both or either of the detectives strolling around). The sex scene between West and Harris looks a bit softer than the rest of the film, but this is probably the photographer rather than a preservation issue. In-camera damage and light leaks pop up once in a while, but these are almost as much hallmarks of a Tobalina film as the largely static coverage. The Dolby Digital 1.0 tracks are in fine condition, the better to appreciate the songs on LAS VEGAS GIRLS. The only extras are trailers for both films (3:48 and 4:43, respectively).(Eric Cotenas)
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My Sinful Life / Las Vegas Girls
Life my sinful
My Sinful Life
From all outward appearances, suburbia maintains the strait-laced middle-class look that belies the social ferment behind closed doors. There is the secret use of drugs, fed by syndrome of experimentation. There is the river of alcohol flooding from door to door under the euphemism of social drinking. Then, of course, there is the advent of swinging and illicit sex. All inFrom all outward appearances, suburbia maintains the strait-laced middle-class look that belies the social ferment behind closed doors. There is the secret use of drugs, fed by syndrome of experimentation. There is the river of alcohol flooding from door to door under the euphemism of social drinking. Then, of course, there is the advent of swinging and illicit sex. All in the spirit of good clean fun... But where does the fun stop and the degradation begin? When one excess leads to another -- and another -- to what? When the children set as a pattern for their own lifestyle what already is the norm at home? This is the story of a Mother, who's own desires overwhelm her sense of commonality and drives her toward her own Daughter, a Daughter who may be more receptive of those desires than Mommy thinks. It is startling as a mirror of a way of life behind closed doors. No facade. No regrets. Indeed, for them it is the norm. The norm... for this family is a dramatic representation of life which dares to let its most base desires and passions come to the fore. They are some of the few who are willing to accept the consequences-be they rewarded or punished-for allowing themselves to be completely liberated. Their story is a startling insight into the lives of people who dare to let it all hang out. ***All characters depicted are over 18....more
Published June 15th 2016 by Createspace Independent Publishing Platform
Say, do you agree to be a Barbarian. How. Oh, you. - the master suddenly shouted menacingly. - Do not obey.
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